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Tuesday, 03 November 2009

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Monday, 12 January 2009

I don't have love; I have Science.

Science will always be there for me. It always provides me with opportunities to grow and enrich my self as an individual in a relatively misinformed society. It will never disappear without warning, cheat on me for another subject, nor will it break my heart. Unless I don't understand a concept, it never makes me feel insecure, unattractive, not good enough, or socially awkward. It doesn't compare me to other people, says harsh words, or makes me cry. It never causes me to doubt my relationship with it. There are no "testing the waters" nor "friends with benefits but I secretly like you" bonds (only chemical ones!). I don't have to go beyond my means to get it to notice me. It's not afraid of commitment, and it does not keep secrets. All it requires of me is a willingness to make it work, to make the most out of what it gives me. In essence, it's the gift of stability. There are enough topics to keep things interesting and fresh. There are mathematical and conceptual challenges that allow me to strengthen my intellect. There are goals which can be so achieved as to induce a euphoria less germier than spit swapping.

So when I try to rely on another person for my happiness, perhaps that one I can tell everything to, hug, kiss, dance, and share my life, I elevate the potential for heartbreak. Though it's hard to imagine life without this someone, there might come a time when he will no longer be there. There might be nothing I can do about it; it might be for the best; it might hurt to face a life of loneliness. Nonetheless, the world keeps turning, the clock keeps ticking, and I'm growing older, learning nothing.

So I turn to Science. In a less self-absorbed light, I do it for the people who believe in fairy tales. I do it so one day people will have the opportunity to make mistakes and cultivate beliefs about the most fundamental things to a human, most notably, love. I do it for the ones who think they have all the answers only to realize they do not, and probably never will. I do it for the ones who care, who have regrets, who seek opportunity. I do it for those who have families to feed, bills to pay, and peace to keep. That's why I want to marry medicine.

Wednesday, 31 December 2008

This is my way of documenting that I owe my mother $5,000 when I go into practice. Since that is a long time from now, I will begin setting aside money for a retribution fund for said purpose. I really, really mean well; however, my baser, materialistic instincts get the best of me sometimes. I really need to find a less expensive way to deal with stress and boost my self-esteem.

I'm currently waiting to board my flight to Palm Beach. I'm running on two hours of sleep. I'm mad at myself for being so bossy, domineering, fresh, and rude to my respectable, biological superiors. However, I'm using sleep deprivation as the scapegoat---I'm pretty miserable in the morning and I often say things I don't really mean or much harsher versions of the regrettable truth.

I feel at odds with my faith. I know God loves me, but I keep screwing Him over with my undesirable actions. I make some pretty good affirmations about living the future with supreme moral aptitude, greater tendency to "do the right thing," etc. Yet I fail miserably because some little comment or general annoyance is enough to trigger the release of imbedded, latent anguish. Nevertheless, I'm keeping in mind that no matter what I do God loves and forgives me for my mistakes. He might even believe in my repeated attempts to stop repeating them. Now that's a cool God.

Monday, 22 December 2008

I am ridiculous. Seriously.

Friday, 19 December 2008

I haven't written much lately. You all must be so lost as to the many happenings in my life these past few months. Haha, not much occurred, actually. Sad...or consistent? You decide.

Well, I came back from San Juan on Wednesday. I love taking the red eye. I also love American Airlines because they provide blankets, food, and decent movies simply because YOU are an entitled passenger. South and Northwest are rather dingy in comparison, but I rather spend money on shoes than luxury plane rides. Anyway, San Juan is beautiful. I have a newfound appreciation for it. However, the only tourist attraction I've visited was the airport because we disembarked from the Solstice earlier than presumed.

I'm very, very seasick, by the way. It was all worth it for the Chinese dinner, though.

The final days of the semester I moved out of my room. Despite my love for my bathroommate, I cannot live with her; hence my decision to move across the hall. Overall, this was probably the healthiest thing for our relationship. The interruptions drove me crazy, and I had to stop saying things I'd later regret. However it must be emphasized that some boundaries need have been established.

I'm awe-struck at how close our little group of dormies have become. It's almost as if we've grown up together. Amanda, Kevin, Heather, Tiff, Will, Katie, Lance, Roni, Ana. These people have become my family away from home; I cherish them so much. Sure, we experienced bouts of drama, arguable orientations, extreme sadness, betrayal, loss, hurt, confusion. However, we've proven immune to all of it. Among these people I have never laughed so hard, cried so much, or identified my goals better than I have on my own. To my friends: I love you <3

Regarding love, I've been so confused. After Morlyn's death I went through a phase in which I'd embrace the irrational at every turn, at every cost. From extreme shopping to one semi-heartbreaking experience after homecoming, I finally realized I wasn't coping properly and failed to recognize the huge void in my life. I would be uncomfortable around other guys who'd show the slightest signs of endearment, pulling away with fidelity to posthumous lover. Moreover, I couldn't make sense of the logistics of the tragedy, given the excellent time we had and his overall demeanor the prior night. Nonetheless, I know I can't bring him back (despite my suggestions!) and my best option is to make him proud. I have an engraved diamond promise ring to symbolize that no matter where life takes me to, a part of me will always be with him. It also functions as a creep deterrent, something he'd approve of, I know it. Currently, I still love Morlyn, but I'm learning to vision my life without him. Even though I get lonely at times, I've found the contentment in being single I've professed hitherto but never actually achieved. I'm even keeping my options open, vink vink ;)

I can't wait until these MCATs are over with---but they do give me something to do.

Goodnight

Meg